Prickly Moments and Transformation

I greeted my journal this morning with “I’m back with my loathing and despair and stuckness.” I share this not for pity or sympathy (othering someone else’s experience) but as a jumping off point for what unfurled, for being human, and for conveying what I believe to be valuable information.

And so, the journaling continued…
I feel creatively and innovatively parched and therefore, down, doubtful, and doomed for a life of disenchantment. What makes it so much worse is the harsh judgement I place against myself- “you’re bad, something is wrong with you, you’ll never be healed/good enough to live a meaningful life, a life that you dream of”, echoes of a long-winded past of perfectionism, protection, and performance.

These aspects of my soma or being creep in from time to time, even though much integration and work has been done around them- tis the nature of well-worn pathways. But, I’m finding myself better equipped to navigate such mishaps or natural happenings- pauses to look for beauty, moments of stepping back to witness as loving presence, opportunities to notice what’s happening in my body and what wants to happen, sitting here to write and share this as an adversary to shame, which can only thrive in isolation and secrecy.

I circle back around often to the question of “where are my needs not being met?” in times like these. Currently, I’m landing on a hunger around creating and weaving the medicine I love and sharing it with others. The circumstances of my life presently don’t allot for a lot of excess time to do so. But that is not an excuse, this email is an attempt at such a desire in a way that is accessible.

There is much more that could be said about this- I could interpret and analyze it through a Vedic lens (yoga & ayurveda), myth and fairytale, and somatic intelligence but for now, may this experience just exist without needing to be fixed or interrogated. I wish the same for you wherever you may find yourself if it brings relief.

It is so common in the healing and well-being realms to forcefully want to address something, which of course makes sense because we want to feel better, but rarely does it prove genuinely effective.

Digestion or transformation require capacity, and force, sheer willpower, and brute attempts will do nothing but snuff out the fire of agni (digestive capacity)- too much depletes agni, floods the nervous system, and disconnects us from our soul and the soul of the world (animus mundi). This leads my curiosity to “in what ways can there be less- less harsh judgement, less self-abandonment, less distraction, less disconnect, and so on as a way of being that strengthens digestive capacity, transformation, and regeneration?"

May the answers to these questions support the coming season of growth that moves alongside the return of light, providing more clarity, resilience, grace, fulfillment, and liberation.

Dear friends and fellow travelers, I have been learning, embodying, and integrating so much these past few years. My studies and experiences have deepened my understanding of what it means to genuinely, accessibly, authentically be well and live well; to be meaningful and live in a meaningful way; to love and let love. I truly look forward to sharing this with you!

I have been exploring the wisdom of somatic intelligence through the Somatic Experiencing Institute, the place of myth and fairytale in finding our place in the world with influences from the work of Sharon Blackie, Gabriela Gutierrez and Martin Shaw, the intersection of this with my yoga and ayurveda practice, the benefit and shortcomings of clinical mental health via my MSW, expressive arts therapy as the most resonant evidence based practice I've encountered in my MSW program, and the huge impact that the reality, culture, and history we’ve been touched by have on us at a soma-psycho-social-soul-spiritual level.
 
Inner Woven has been through many twists and turns, and the next iteration is gestating and feels wildly alive, empowered, and sacred in ways I couldn’t previously conceive of. In some ways, I worry that the shifts it has been through have been let downs and shortcomings but I’m choosing not to buy too much into these beliefs and rather to trust the rhythms of becoming that care little for neat, unruffled processes.

I wish to share more, but for now, this is enough.

I’ll leave you with a nugget of relief I uncovered in my morning practice-

An ocean moves through you- an ocean that churns up wisdom, an ocean that is infinite, an ocean that is deeply soothing, an ocean that heals, an ocean that holds the wise ancestors that came before you, an ocean that is all knowing.

May the wise one(s) grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change and the courage to change the things you can. 

Peace,

xx Ashlyn Miller